Because it’s how my life has been ever since…forever. Feel free to follow or if you just can’t be bothered anymore, it’s okay

My new blog: http://idrinkthiscoffee.blogspot.com/

150 tealight candles –  my pride and joy (well not for long)

I’m the proud owner of this dusty lantern

When I really think about it, I don’t know why I wanted to stop Amad from buying me those candles. I mean, if the man wants to make me happy, then let him make me happy. Why do I have to be such a complicated human being?

Anyway, dad will not be happy when he sees these candles. I think the whole family still can’t get over the little incident in Labuan hehe. Look, I wasn’t trying to burn down the house. It was just the curtain. And I don’t even remember doing it. Maybe I didn’t like the curtain. Anyway, that’s not the point here. Look, I’m being safe. The candle is safe inside the lantern and I only burn my candles when I’m around.

I wanted those plain tealight candles for my aromatherapy oils. And the green ones…well…they’re green and they smell good. I love love love candles because they’re beautiful. But I don’t really use them because rasa macam sayang la pulak nak bakar kalau dah cantik2.

Who cares what love is. Anyway, I wanted to write about something else.

About anger.

I think it’s time for me to accept the fact that i’m a very very unhappy child. Well child as in…in a family. I’m 25 so technically I’m not a child.

ANYWAY

Yes, I need to stop being in denial and accept the fact that i’m one angry child in this family. All this anger inside of me started to build up when my family couldn’t stop moving to different places. Every change was too overwhelming until I lost myself ‘the old me’ along the way and I never had the time to stop, think and decide.

And whenever I cry…every time I cry, it always feels like I’m crying for everything I had lost…even if it’s just about something very simple. It’s like there’s this one major hatred inside of me…and I can’t let it out…no matter how hard I try.

That is why happy people piss me off. Well, I don’t care if they want to be happy or whatever. BUT do not try to drag me to the so-called garden of flowers and butterflies. Seriously, you can play the guitar, sing kumbaya and have that head band thing around your head for all i care – just leave me alone.

And I prefer to write in journals or blogs because…I find that it’s easier to talk to ‘walls’ instead of having people talking back because they didn’t go through the things I went through so I really hate it when they try to convince me that I’m actually ‘fine’. No, I’m not fine.

I think I’m also paranoid. I don’t trust people. Before a person gets the chance to come close, I would ‘scan’ him or her ‘in advance’. The last thing I need from anyone is an attachment – I hate it when someone wants to get too attached. I need my own space to breathe. To think. To do whatever I want.

And do you know how hard it is to let go? To stay calm and take things easy? To pretend that everything is fine? To pretend that you’re fine so that people around you would leave you alone? When you have so many things kept to yourself…for a very long time…it’s not easy to let them out and move on. I’ve tried. So the best thing to do is pretend so that people will stop trying to fix me. I just need my own space to breathe. No kumbaya or whatsoever crap. I just need my own space.

I needed to escape so I went to the other house for the weekend. I spent the whole Saturday morning writing in my journal. Yes, I still keep a journal even after I’ve had several ‘privacy invasions in my own house’. My family…they’re always…curious. I don’t know why they need to be curious. I think I’m a normal child. I don’t go clubbing. I don’t drink. I don’t take drugs. I don’t smoke. I’m still thinking about having a sugar daddy (joking) so I don’t know why I can’t even keep things to myself anymore.

Anyway, yes, I spent the whole Saturday writing in my journal. I think most of you already know that writing is like a therapy for me. I know that some things are meant to be kept private or whatsoever, but I don’t think that my life is THAT interesting. Technically, my life is filled with emo moments – especially when the time of the month is near. Someone needs to find a cure for PMS. I don’t think people realize how violent women can be when they have PMS.

Today was quite hard for me and Amad. It took us ½ hour to get out of the ‘candle area’ because he refused to leave without buying me some. I told him I’d get them when I have the money but no…this is what happens when you have two Aquarians together – double stubbornness. Actually I wanted to avoid the lower level (where the candles were) because I knew I wouldn’t be able to buy them so daripada sakit hati tengok tapi tak dapat beli…better balik. But no…he refused to turn back and wanted to go through the lower level (we were at IKEA btw). And he wasn’t feeling so well and I didn’t want him to get worn out so I eventually allowed him to buy me the candles. Ok fine.

Then came the Body Shop part. He remembered that I wanted a lotion from there but he couldn’t remember which one. I tried to pull him out of the shop many times but since I didn’t want to create another drama, (you don’t want to know how I sound and look like when I nag…damn ugly and embarrassing I tell ya) I just stood there next to him while he tried to figure out which lotion I wanted to buy. I refused to help him because (1) it was expensive (2) I didn’t want to waste his money (3) we didn’t go out to buy candles or lotions for me. We were supposed to find his mattress…something for him to sleep on because he had only just moved into a new house but did he listen?! No. Degil. Kenapa demam? Pasal tidur atas lantai.

So, at the end of the day, no mattress was bought. I got angry…so very angry. I didn’t talk to him on the way back. Merajuk la kononnya. Then I started yelling at him…that was the time when I had lost my patience. And because of what? Because of the damn mattress. I started saying things like “why won’t you let me care about you” and some other nonsense. Somehow it became a big issue and I got all emotional…because of the damn mattress. Why couldn’t he understand something as simple as this: I wanted him to buy himself a nice mattress so he’d have something nice to sleep on so that he wouldn’t fall sick again. Instead of wasting his money on unimportant things, oh God, why couldn’t he just get it?!!!

Okay…I think someone’s got some anger issues here. I really need to chill out. There’s something very wrong with me. Pasal tilam pun nak mengamuk…wth.

you make me happy. even if it’s just for a while. thank you.

This image really makes me laugh. It reminds me of Ice Age 3 ‘laughing gas’ scene. LOL that scene was hilarious…I think the whole cinema was laughing.

I got my left4dead game installed last night and I’ve been super happy. I don’t know what to do when I have one of those ‘hormone attacks’. I’m tired of talking too much and I don’t want to fatten myself up before the weddings (this is not true. i made my brother buy me a big bottle of Nutella last night). I was restless; didn’t know how else to channel my anger so I thought of calming myself with a bottle of chocolate. Okay this does not sound good.

I finished another 100 of ‘bunga telur’ (for my brother’s wedding). Did them while watching ‘The Rocker’. The movie was funny…I was laughing so hard…especially towards the end when Fish said “why do you guys have British accent?” LOL!!! It was like…his old band mates were American and when they met after 20 years, everyone suddenly sounded British. So cute haha.

Brother, I’ve always loved you.

Sometimes, you gotta ‘allow’ people to love you.

And I’ll always be your sister…whether you like it or not.

And you were wrong.

And our dad has taught us siblings one of the most valuable lessons;

We’re a family and we stick together.

That’s why I always keep bugging you. Because I want you to know that you’ll always have me – someone to talk to. Someone to disagree with. Someone to outsmart.

You can say whatever and your sister will still love you.

I was going to shower…and then I saw a cockroach in the bathroom. Okay…I’m not really a big fan of things that can run or fly freaking fast so dengan sepenuh jiwa dan raga I sprayed the poor thing with the water hose…hoping it’d go down the hole (i felt bad after that).

Then the poor thing was struggling…fighting back…trying its best to climb up the bathroom wall. But since it was too slippery, it fell back and continued to struggle. I thought of Sheltox…but then kesian la pulak so yeah…after giving it some thought, I decided to spare the cockroach’s life by giving it some time to escape.

Let’s just hope that pak karim won’t discover him or his life will end with sheltox or the newspaper.

Or selipar tandas.

]]> http://imnotfinished.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/sparing-the-poor-cockcroachs-life/feed/ 0 aizaamaryllis http://imnotfinished.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/when-you-dont-have-nice-things-to-say-to-me/ http://imnotfinished.wordpress.com/2009/07/15/when-you-dont-have-nice-things-to-say-to-me/#comments Wed, 15 Jul 2009 02:37:34 +0000 aizaamaryllis http://imnotfinished.wordpress.com/?p=164 ]]> Another funny thing I learned about people is…they prefer to hear negative things.

Let’s take falling in love as the easiest example.

They say that it’s important to stay happy in a relationship. But when you start sharing your happiness, or tell them how good things are going for you and your loved one (especially when the relationship is still new), they start showing their so-called concerns,

e.g. “Now, now…don’t get your hopes too high…you still have to get to know him better etc etc“

Which is, by the way, something that I already know.

So, let me get this straight: You people want me to be happy but at the same time, you make me feel like shit? It just doesn’t make sense, you know what I’m saying?

And I admit that I’ve been (well not anymore) stupid enough to listen or care. Now, when I say things like this, they will say something like:

“You can’t see anything now because in the beginnning, everything is wonderful but things will eventually fade away…”

That’s why I’m much happier now. I stopped listening. I stopped sharing. Sometimes I wonder why I bothered trying to convince the  people around me or show them anything. There’s nothing to prove. When you’re happy…you just be happy. When things go wrong, face them and move on. So the main question is, why should I bother?

Here’s another funny thing. I have a friend who’s been dating this guy for more than 8-9 years (since high school I think). She gave me a so-called little tiny piece of advice…which was… “You guys are still new. Why don’t you get to know him more?”

Ok I get that.

So she’s trying to show me that she’s had a long run and she knows better. What she doesn’t know is that…her boyfriend of 8-9 years did try to flirt with me behind her back. I even saved the conversation just in case I need to save her ass one day but so far I’ve kept everything to myself to avoid further complication. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. Plus, I didn’t even know that they had been together for ages…because the boyfriend didn’t say anything about him seeing anyone. Plus, I didn’t flirt back because I was never interested in him.

So do you think that she had listened to her own advice? I haven’t had the heart to tell her what her boyfriend was up to because I don’t want to break her. Plus, I already stopped caring about people who just came out of nowhere and tried to be smart with me so yeah…not my problem

Basically, before you start talking…or trying to ‘outsmart’ people around you…you better analyze your own life first. Just because you’ve known that person for 10,000 years, it doesn’t mean that you ‘know’ him…or her.

Look, I’m not trying to be smart and act like I know everything here. But it doesn’t hurt to give a little support or shut the hell up when you don’t have anything nice to say to someone. There’s nothing to worry about me. I welcome comments, advice, etc but seriously…even if I do fall…I will not exactly die from frustration or a broken heart.  Just appreciate what you have because one thing is true though…like what my brother always say…things will eventually fade away. Now he will treat you like a princess but later, the special treatment or attention will shift to something or someone else. It’s life – you just can’t deny or avoid life’s nature.