Archive for May, 2009

I could be happy…you could be happy too

New Beginning…New Friendship…Hello Whatever

friendship

The ex, Syahid, has successfully completed his degree. Congrats to him. He’s going back to his hometown , Perlis, God knows for how long so I decided to spend some time with him last Tuesday. We had Domino’s and took some photos together. We wanted to do emo style for fun but it didn’t work cuz i couldn’t stop laughing at him.

And the kitten is our ‘divorce property’. Hehe no lah…the kitten belongs to Syahid but I like to have him around sometimes…especially when Syahid’s not able to look after him.

I admit that there have been ups and downs with the whole break up thing…both of us are still trying our best to get used to it. I also admit that i’ve had my moments of “sakit hati” with him but overall…both of us are not perfect and we’ve accepted the fact that we can’t be together. I’ve known him for too long; we were friends before and i don’t see the reason of turning him into an enemy after the break up so we would hang out whenever we feel like it. One of those ‘no heart feelings’ things..if you know what i mean. Yeah he knows me too damn well to even amik hati with me…right? =p

Honestly, no matter how many times we’ve hurt each other, plus the fact that we’re so used to each other, I still feel that both of us deserve to at least have a long lasting friendship. I used to ask him how things would be like if we ever broke up and found someone else and he said once he’s found someone new, he’d had to focus on her. Which, by the way, makes sense because I would be doing the same thing.

Anyway, I decided to put everything behind and do whatever it takes to go on with this life. I set my priorities straight a long time ago…no matter how many times I’ve stumbled and tergolek-golek…my studies come first, then family, then love life. That is why…no matter how much drama i’ve created…you would still see me in class with red eyes from too much crying or eyebags from not enough sleep (sometimes from too much crying too). But yeah…life goes on. It will never stop and wait for us to get back on our feet so no matter what happens…we have to keep going.

ala abang… ;-)

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I finally had a long sleep last night because I was too tired to do any work.

Yesterday, while I was doing my work in the back room, mom came and sat next to me…

Mom:  You ada cakap dengan baba tak? Baba did that for your own good…

Me:       (still looking at the computer screen) Yeah ma…I do talk to him…

Mom:   Takde la, bukan apa…you know he’s just concerned about you…

Me:       Yes, Ma…I do talk to him…

Mom:   Takde la… (with nada memujuk…alahai)…mama bukan apa…jangan la pulak x cakap ngan baba…

Me:        Iye Ma…I do talk to him…

Mom:    Panas betul la…berpeluh2…hmmm (gets up and left the room)

I was like…LOL…i think that was sweet, no? It wasn’t about what it was about. It was about why she came and talked to me. Somehow I found it sweet because it felt like mom was talking ‘for’ her husband…she wanted to make sure that her daughter would still talk to her husband (my dad lah of course). They look out for each other…and i find that very sweet. And I still remember what my dad said on Mother’s Day a few weeks ago. We were talking about Father’s Day and he was like “No no…no need to celebrate lah…Mother’s Day is more important. Father’s Day no need…not important”. And we, the children, also received an email about Mother’s Day from dad. I found it very sweet because it’s like he’s saying….”love your mother…my wife…”….awwwww…..

You should know by now why I would go all way just to find the ‘perfect’ man for me…because I know that it’s possible to find a man who would love me in ways my dad loves my mom. I don’t want the man to marry me just for the sake of marrying me…just to cukupkan syarat whatsoever. I want him to still ‘see’ me…even after we have children and so on. I want things to stay sweet. I still want to be special in his eyes…awwwwww….(dah mula dah nie….)

Anyway, I finally got the chance to see the advertising lecturer yesterday. I was too tired to stay and was thinking to see him on Wednesday or something but before he continued talking to one student, he looked at me and said he’d see me after that LOL. It was like “ko jangan nak pegi mana2…duduk situ diam2…”. But I’m glad he did that. But he rejected my donut campaign idea AGAIN hahahaha…(yeah unblievable that i can laugh at this whole thing).

Today I’m going to focus on my journalism talkshow for a while since i’ve been neglecting it for too long already. I know my partner is also busy with her things so i’m going to start something and she will add whatever she feels like adding in her own time. We need to book campus radio to record our show…sigh…

I’m such a mess.

This week is one of the busiest weeks unfortunately. I have to rush here and there…need to go to the faculty to see lecturers bla bla bla…multitasking and so on.

Ok back to work! I miss you Mr.CL =)

you’re coming with me, he said

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The day when my sandals putus…the day after I made some ‘drama swasta’ at home and spent the whole night and morning crying…LOL

My heart hurts…literally…so I can’t sleep. I’ve been feeling the same kind of pain for several months. Sometimes I would get minor ‘heart attacks’. Not trying to sound so dramatic or anything but it does hurt like hell. I think it’s from the stress…or from too much crying? I don’t know. Don’t have time to think about all this. Can’t do anything when it hurts. I can only write because writing calms me down so yeah…here i am.

So I finally wrote the story (referring to ‘the story’ entry). I did think a lot before I started writing it. I was afraid of hurting the ex, but I wanted to feel happy too so I went on with it anyway. I couldn’t go on feeling sorry for other people…not anymore I guess. There are so many things that can’t be explained, but somehow I can feel that I’m exactly where i’m supposed to be.

Sometimes I would think about the ex…and it still hurts. I don’t think about the good times. I think about the things that he did or said…the things that caused so much pain. Maybe I’ll never be a good person like him, but I remember what I did to show how much I loved him. Sometimes I did little things to impress him…to show how much i appreciated his love…like baking a cake for his birthday just to hear him complaining about it. In fact I baked the cake twice because the first one didn’t want to come out of the tray. The song which I composed for his birthday (yes, the one I played with the piano)…just to hear him say “I’m going to fix the song…make it sound smooth a little”. The little things. I remember staying up days and nights in the piano room just to make that song…to come up with lyrics…and asked my brother to help me with the recording…but yeah…the little things. I don’t play the piano anymore… i tried to play it last weekend but when I ‘accidently’ played the song I made for him, I started to remember what he said and I stopped. It hurt. So I’m not going to play until I can find the time to make a new song.

I don’t want to remember these things but yeah…sometimes they come and go…and then I realize how much i’ve moved on. CL has been around to help me get me back on my feet. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried in front of him, but he didn’t leave my side until i finished crying. Actually he wouldn’t leave my side or leave me alone somewhere unless he feels that it’s safe enough for me to be left alone for a while.

Last time, when my sandals putus (sorry can’t think of an english word for putus when im in pain right now), i asked him if he could find me a new pair because i couldn’t walk when my sandals were in that condition. Told him i’d wait for him near the elevator…where there were some shops (we were in the mall) but he refused to leave me so he dragged me along instead. I was like…why?…and then he explained that he wasn’t confortable leaving me standing alone where passerbys could see me. I laughed…especially when he started to imitate them…showing how the passerbys would react when they see me standing alone. He walked from one end to the other end…and made some funny facial expressions…as if any stranger (any man) would see me, walk up to me and approach me. I don’t know where he got the idea that men would come and approach me but yeah…he did make the effort to make me see how much he cared. But it was sweet…he managed to make me laugh even when I was tired from crying the night before.

And I will never forget the candles…the thoughtful preparation he did for Earth Hour. ..

And I remember what his ex-girlfriend told me on the phone that night…when I decided to rescue him for good. She said…

“Aiza…kita perempuan kan…mesti kita nak cari laki yang beriman dan yang baik, kan? Well, tak ada apa yang baik pasal Amad…”

I don’t know what she was thinking but she was definitely talking to the wrong ‘woman’. And you have no idea how much bull*** she was telling me…trying to convince me that she was good and CL was bad. And I remember what i said to her in the end…

Me: “How long were you with Amad?”

Her: “…lama”  (she meant 2 years)

Me: “I kenal Amad lagi lama…longer that you could ever imagine so there’s nothing you can say that can make me change my perspective towards him. And from now on, stop bothering him. I mean it. You’ll never have the chance to talk to him ever again, you understand me?”

The funniest statement she made was… “bukan I yang cari dia…dia yang tercari2 I. Sedangkan i dah terima yang kami dah break…”

Sorry to say… if i could laugh guling2 at time time…I would but yeah…i had to focus while talking to her. I pity her because she didn’t know that I was there with Amad all the time when she couldn’t stop calling…begging him to come back to her. Even worse, she even threatened him…so that he wouldn’t dare to leave her…

Anyway, she stopped calling after having one thoughtful conversation with me on the phone. She tried to manipulate the story..tried to convince me…but like i said…she was messing with the wrong woman. She said CL was a liar…well of course he had to lie to her everytime he wanted time on his own because she couldn’t leave him alone. In fact she wanted to do the hotlink ‘friend finder’ thing with him LOL…i was laughing like hell when i heard CL telling me everything for the first time…how miserable he was when she was around…i couldn’t believe how obsessive she was. He broke up with her many times but she didn’t want to accept it…she refused to accept it.

I know I did a bad thing…but I just felt like he needed to be rescued. I was ready to face any circumstances…it’s ok. At least I wouldn’t go around to people…telling them how bad my boyfriend is when at the same time i go on being desperate wanting him back in my life. She said a lot of bad things ‘behind’ CL…and she didn’t know that I already knew everything. Pompuan gile.

now i have come to understand the way it is…

Remember this video? I miss you little brother.

For those who haven’t seen this video, u might wanna use headphones/earphones because you can’t really hear it. Or maybe not cuz u might not like it LOL. Recorded it early this year when brother and I had nothing to do. By now some of you already know that I can’t really sing…but it’s ok…i don’t care. I don’t sing for anyone else. I sing to make myself happy.

cute =)

the ‘story’

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“Is it OK if I tell them our story?”
“I will feel honoured if you tell them our story. And…I feel honoured to have you in my life”

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The truth is I don’t know where to start.

I’m slowly letting go of certain things in my life. I have accepted who I am. And I have learned to accept my fate.  I felt restricted to write because I didn’t want to hurt someone. But I realized that he’s also had his own share of fun without me in the past. Therefore I think it’s only fair for me to do whatever I feel like doing – as long as I’m happy.

Let’s talk about CL. If you’ve been following my blog (or blogs), you’ve probably noticed ‘CL’ in some of my entries. No photos – just initials. Now I’m going to tell you what CL stands for…

Childhood Love (From Aiza’s side…)

We were 11, and were in the same class in primary school (in Sabah, 1995). I moved to that school the year before and he only came the year after. I can’t remember talking to him. But I do remember the day I really pissed him off. He lost his temper, shoved the desk towards me until the chair nearly hit me and yelled “enough!” (well in Malay of course). Luckily I was quick enough to pull myself back. I don’t blame him though since it was my fault. I loved to tease him back then.  He always seemed quiet and mysterious. But I never understood why I always wanted to look at him. I was “with” someone else at that time but I always tried to find a way to “communicate” with CL…even if I had to annoy or piss him off.  But I remember how I always “looked” for him. I didn’t know why but I had to…no matter what…no matter how much he hated me for making him feel miserable.


But it was just that, and I had to move back to KL the year after. Everything stopped there. I had to leave everyone behind.  I had to move on. But I always remember the day he nearly ‘killed” me with that chair.  And even after so many years, I still remembered how his face was like when he lost his temper at that time.  And after all those years, even though I didn’t think of him, I could still remember his name and his angry facial expression.

So after 13 years, we found each other back on Facebook. He was the first to message me; he asked me if I still remembered him. “Of course I still remember the guy who shoved the desk towards me”. He didn’t remember of course, but he remembered me. And I thought that was it. I thought it was just one of those ‘hello old friend, it’s good to see you again after all these years’ life phases.  I thought it would simply pass by…

The Beginning…

We exchanged numbers. He was with someone and I had my own ‘significant other’. Even if I was single, I wasn’t expecting anything to happen because before CL, I also found back the guy I was “with” on Facebook and I wasn’t expecting anything from him either. We were all in the same class, by the way, so it was just finding back old school friends.  I had my own “boyfriend” in that class even though we were all too young for this entire puppy love thing.

Anyway, after exchanging phone numbers, and after laughing about the past, CL decided to confess something to me. It started to become awkward, and it sounded as if he wanted to tell me something big. So I just listened…



CL’s Story (I made him write this part…haha)

So I was the new boy in class. Everything seemed exciting and I loved being in that class. New school, new friends…things were going great for me.  And yes, I was very shy too.

But I’m going to tell you guys about this one particular girl…the one I secretly admired but she was ‘kind of dating’ someone in our class (well we were too young to call it a relationship). But yes, she was being gossiped with one boy from our class so I couldn’t do anything but watched her from far.

I don’t know how to describe this, but there was a time during lunch break, when our eyes met and I knew at that time that I had fallen for her for the first time. I was inside the class, looking at her, while she was standing under the tree with her friend, just outside our class. Our eyes met. And I remember how she looked like…the way she looked at me. I remembered her hair…how she always wore her head band. And that was the look I couldn’t forget even after thirteen years of not seeing her.

I planned to talk to her the year after. I wanted to get to know her, and maybe started something new…maybe be friends with her since we never really talked in class. She liked to tease me though; she gossiped me with another girl in class…which, by the way, I found extremely irritating because I liked her…not anyone else.  But yeah, she left our school the year after – when we were about to enter standard 6. I was disappointed because I was so excited about approaching her properly for the first time. I guess I was too late and she was gone. Someone in our class told me that she had moved back to KL.

But yeah… life goes on. Year after year, I still couldn’t forget her. She was constantly on my mind. Every single year, on 10th of February, I would find a time to go out, look up to the sky and wish on her birthday. Even though I had no idea where she was and what she was doing, I could still feel her presence around me. I didn’t know why I was feeling that way, but I thought about her all the time. I did try look for her, and even after I had moved back to KL, I always hoped that I’d bump into her in shopping malls or wherever.  I searched for her in Friendster and even in Facebook…I still couldn’t find her. It was frustrating but life had to go on…I couldn’t do anything but wait for a miracle to happen.

And one day…which was a few months back…one of our friends told me she had found her…

God knows how happy I was to see her again after so long.  It was like one of those “at last” moments in life. After thirteen years I found her back, I couldn’t believe I was given the chance to see her again.

OK enough MR. CL, let me take over from here, yeah? =)

So, ini bukan karangan ‘aku sebatang pen’ or ‘aku sebuah basikal buruk’ ye kawan-kawan. I’m going to cut it short, but I’ll try to preserve the ‘sweet’ parts.

So, we started to pick up where we left off even though there was never anything for us to pick up anyway since we never spoke in class. Too many things to explain…because after I left that school, I moved to London and bla bla bla…yeah you know it.

Only after thirteen years we discovered that we had so many things in common. I can say that if we tried to be friends back then, we could’ve ended up being bestfriends because we simply ‘clicked’.  I don’t know if it’s because of the birthday factor (he was born on the 6th Feb and me on the 10th Feb), or because we were meant to get along this well…I don’t know. But I’ve never met anyone that’s so like me…we can even unconsciously imitate each other’s gestures or moves.  Feels like I’ve really known him for a very long time. Life is easier with him because what he is…that’s me. I am him and he is me…get it? Yeah, I bet my brother is laughing right now because he’s always thought this whole thing ridiculous. It’s ok brother…go ahead and laugh =)

But yes, I remember how he started his ‘confession’ that night.  We were chatting, and I remember that I nearly fell off the chair because I was so shocked with what he was telling me. To be honest, I thought he was kidding. I mean, think about it logically: how could a boy like a girl so long…and think about her all the time even when so many years had passed by? I refused to fall for that. But somehow, I could feel that he was being serious. I could feel his sincerity because even though I never talked to him when we were in class, I knew how he was…I knew what kind of a person he was. I think my heart fell from its place when he told me that he was in love with me.

And to be honest, I didn’t want to tell him that I used to like him back then.  I was too embarrassed because I was “with” someone else (well…puppy love of course) so I didn’t want him to take me wrongly.  But there was only one reason why I always picked on him in class LOL. I just wanted to ‘communicate’ with him…maybe I didn’t know why but I wanted to…even though I didn’t understand my own action at that time.  Only recently I figured out why I always wanted to secretly look at him.  And only now I understand why I love being around him. Honestly…he gives me that ‘home’ feeling.  His presence…or his face…anything… when I look at him…I feel tranquility.  I don’t know how, when, why or whatever but it makes sense now why I always wanted to look at him back then. And now that we’re together, he gives me that ‘comfort’ feeling…the kind of feeling I always searched for when everything went wrong in life. With him I don’t care what’s going to happen…all I know is that I’m ready to face anything…just take my time to get through this life.

The other thing is…we’re both broken so we ‘relate’ so well with each other.  He’s had his own share of melancholy in life…so have I so it feels good to have someone who knows how much it hurts.  We were both lost…and somehow we found each other to have ‘something’ to hold on to. We have each other.

And to add, when I found him…I found myself. I stopped trying so hard to live like everyone else. My future suddenly went blank and I was happy about it because it felt like I was rescued from a life others thought would make me happy.  I could be anything I want…and I slowly learned to put myself first. No more going for typical norms in life…no more of doing things that would make me fit into the society. I am different. I am me. Just because all my friends are married, it doesn’t mean that I have to be married too. Just because you’ve been in a long relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re happy and have to end up marrying the same person. People don’t ‘see’ so people don’t know.  I know what I want. I know what I’ve gone through.

BUT, after all this, both CL and I are not in a relationship. I told him that I’ve had enough with this whole ‘love & relationships’ thing…the last thing I need is to feel more screwed up. I want to be free…so does he. So I don’t know what we are right now BUT we don’t care. If we’re meant to be together…then we’ll be together. We refuse to let any stupid boyfriend girlfriend title screw us up. I’m much much happier this way.

So far I’ve seen a lot of changes in CL since we met again after thirteen years. He stopped smoking. It was cute in the beginning: I wanted to make him stop smoking so I always told him… “I will sing you a song and you will reduce your cigarette intake”. So…if he was smoking 10 cigarettes per day on average, he had to reduce it to 3 or 4 and if he succeeded, I would sing him a song since he loves to hear me sing.  But I think it was more than 2 months ago that he completely stopped smoking…and I was impressed.  I can see how much he’s changed. He looked so miserable when I first met him after thirteen years.  And now, whenever I look at him…he looks so calm. I could swear I can see the resemblance of serenity on his face (no..seriously…don’t laugh ok)…he does look so much better. I also rescued him from his psycho girlfriend.  Sorry to say this but she was crazy, obsessive AND manipulative (I know because I talked to her). This will be like another story…but seriously…she was unbelievable.  She was lucky that I wasn’t in front of her or else she would’ve tasted my RM10 slippers in her mouth.  She was making CL’s life miserable. I think if she could stick herself to CL with gam gajah, she would. She thought she could manipulate me too but haha she was damn wrong. She was messing with the wrong *****.  ANYWAY, forget her. I will find a time to talk about her but all I’m saying is…CL needs to be happy with his life. Now I see that he’s slowly building his life…going to finish his studies, and at the same time has started with his new job, and he can do whatever he likes with his life =)

My God this is longer than my previous take home exam essay :-p I shall stop…for now. There’s more…but “perlahan-lahan kayuh…” (Nad…I remember).  I’m going to shower and start on my work. Break is over.

Thank you for reading =)


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