Archive for July, 2009

the link

I moved. Again. Why?

Because it’s how my life has been ever since…forever. Feel free to follow or if you just can’t be bothered anymore, it’s okay 🙂

My new blog: http://idrinkthiscoffee.blogspot.com/

the way to my heart

candles

150 tealight candles –  my pride and joy (well not for long)

lantern

I’m the proud owner of this dusty lantern

When I really think about it, I don’t know why I wanted to stop Amad from buying me those candles. I mean, if the man wants to make me happy, then let him make me happy. Why do I have to be such a complicated human being?

Anyway, dad will not be happy when he sees these candles. I think the whole family still can’t get over the little incident in Labuan hehe. Look, I wasn’t trying to burn down the house. It was just the curtain. And I don’t even remember doing it. Maybe I didn’t like the curtain. Anyway, that’s not the point here. Look, I’m being safe. The candle is safe inside the lantern and I only burn my candles when I’m around.

I wanted those plain tealight candles for my aromatherapy oils. And the green ones…well…they’re green and they smell good. I love love love candles because they’re beautiful. But I don’t really use them because rasa macam sayang la pulak nak bakar kalau dah cantik2.

I give up

What is love?

Who cares what love is. Anyway, I wanted to write about something else.

About anger.

I think it’s time for me to accept the fact that i’m a very very unhappy child. Well child as in…in a family. I’m 25 so technically I’m not a child.

ANYWAY

Yes, I need to stop being in denial and accept the fact that i’m one angry child in this family. All this anger inside of me started to build up when my family couldn’t stop moving to different places. Every change was too overwhelming until I lost myself ‘the old me’ along the way and I never had the time to stop, think and decide.

And whenever I cry…every time I cry, it always feels like I’m crying for everything I had lost…even if it’s just about something very simple. It’s like there’s this one major hatred inside of me…and I can’t let it out…no matter how hard I try.

That is why happy people piss me off. Well, I don’t care if they want to be happy or whatever. BUT do not try to drag me to the so-called garden of flowers and butterflies. Seriously, you can play the guitar, sing kumbaya and have that head band thing around your head for all i care – just leave me alone.

And I prefer to write in journals or blogs because…I find that it’s easier to talk to ‘walls’ instead of having people talking back because they didn’t go through the things I went through so I really hate it when they try to convince me that I’m actually ‘fine’. No, I’m not fine.

I think I’m also paranoid. I don’t trust people. Before a person gets the chance to come close, I would ‘scan’ him or her ‘in advance’. The last thing I need from anyone is an attachment – I hate it when someone wants to get too attached. I need my own space to breathe. To think. To do whatever I want.

And do you know how hard it is to let go? To stay calm and take things easy? To pretend that everything is fine? To pretend that you’re fine so that people around you would leave you alone? When you have so many things kept to yourself…for a very long time…it’s not easy to let them out and move on. I’ve tried. So the best thing to do is pretend so that people will stop trying to fix me. I just need my own space to breathe. No kumbaya or whatsoever crap. I just need my own space.

lost my patience because of a mattress…

Some things are unexplainable.

I needed to escape so I went to the other house for the weekend. I spent the whole Saturday morning writing in my journal. Yes, I still keep a journal even after I’ve had several ‘privacy invasions in my own house’. My family…they’re always…curious. I don’t know why they need to be curious. I think I’m a normal child. I don’t go clubbing. I don’t drink. I don’t take drugs. I don’t smoke. I’m still thinking about having a sugar daddy (joking) so I don’t know why I can’t even keep things to myself anymore.

Anyway, yes, I spent the whole Saturday writing in my journal. I think most of you already know that writing is like a therapy for me. I know that some things are meant to be kept private or whatsoever, but I don’t think that my life is THAT interesting. Technically, my life is filled with emo moments – especially when the time of the month is near. Someone needs to find a cure for PMS. I don’t think people realize how violent women can be when they have PMS.

Today was quite hard for me and Amad. It took us ½ hour to get out of the ‘candle area’ because he refused to leave without buying me some. I told him I’d get them when I have the money but no…this is what happens when you have two Aquarians together – double stubbornness. Actually I wanted to avoid the lower level (where the candles were) because I knew I wouldn’t be able to buy them so daripada sakit hati tengok tapi tak dapat beli…better balik. But no…he refused to turn back and wanted to go through the lower level (we were at IKEA btw). And he wasn’t feeling so well and I didn’t want him to get worn out so I eventually allowed him to buy me the candles. Ok fine.

Then came the Body Shop part. He remembered that I wanted a lotion from there but he couldn’t remember which one. I tried to pull him out of the shop many times but since I didn’t want to create another drama, (you don’t want to know how I sound and look like when I nag…damn ugly and embarrassing I tell ya) I just stood there next to him while he tried to figure out which lotion I wanted to buy. I refused to help him because (1) it was expensive (2) I didn’t want to waste his money (3) we didn’t go out to buy candles or lotions for me. We were supposed to find his mattress…something for him to sleep on because he had only just moved into a new house but did he listen?! No. Degil. Kenapa demam? Pasal tidur atas lantai.

So, at the end of the day, no mattress was bought. I got angry…so very angry. I didn’t talk to him on the way back. Merajuk la kononnya. Then I started yelling at him…that was the time when I had lost my patience. And because of what? Because of the damn mattress. I started saying things like “why won’t you let me care about you” and some other nonsense. Somehow it became a big issue and I got all emotional…because of the damn mattress. Why couldn’t he understand something as simple as this: I wanted him to buy himself a nice mattress so he’d have something nice to sleep on so that he wouldn’t fall sick again. Instead of wasting his money on unimportant things, oh God, why couldn’t he just get it?!!!

Okay…I think someone’s got some anger issues here. I really need to chill out. There’s something very wrong with me. Pasal tilam pun nak mengamuk…wth.

touchwood-mattress

say no more

happiness

you make me happy. even if it’s just for a while. thank you.

yup…the giggles

funny-pictures-kittens-have-the-giggles

This image really makes me laugh. It reminds me of Ice Age 3 ‘laughing gas’ scene. LOL that scene was hilarious…I think the whole cinema was laughing.

I got my left4dead game installed last night and I’ve been super happy. I don’t know what to do when I have one of those ‘hormone attacks’. I’m tired of talking too much and I don’t want to fatten myself up before the weddings (this is not true. i made my brother buy me a big bottle of Nutella last night). I was restless; didn’t know how else to channel my anger so I thought of calming myself with a bottle of chocolate. Okay this does not sound good.

the-rocker

I finished another 100 of ‘bunga telur’ (for my brother’s wedding). Did them while watching ‘The Rocker’. The movie was funny…I was laughing so hard…especially towards the end when Fish said “why do you guys have British accent?” LOL!!! It was like…his old band mates were American and when they met after 20 years, everyone suddenly sounded British. So cute haha.

you were wrong.

3638369_8e0168592a

Brother, I’ve always loved you.

Sometimes, you gotta ‘allow’ people to love you.

And I’ll always be your sister…whether you like it or not.

And you were wrong.

And our dad has taught us siblings one of the most valuable lessons;

We’re a family and we stick together.

That’s why I always keep bugging you. Because I want you to know that you’ll always have me – someone to talk to. Someone to disagree with. Someone to outsmart.

You can say whatever and your sister will still love you.


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