I give up

What is love?

Who cares what love is. Anyway, I wanted to write about something else.

About anger.

I think it’s time for me to accept the fact that i’m a very very unhappy child. Well child as in…in a family. I’m 25 so technically I’m not a child.

ANYWAY

Yes, I need to stop being in denial and accept the fact that i’m one angry child in this family. All this anger inside of me started to build up when my family couldn’t stop moving to different places. Every change was too overwhelming until I lost myself ‘the old me’ along the way and I never had the time to stop, think and decide.

And whenever I cry…every time I cry, it always feels like I’m crying for everything I had lost…even if it’s just about something very simple. It’s like there’s this one major hatred inside of me…and I can’t let it out…no matter how hard I try.

That is why happy people piss me off. Well, I don’t care if they want to be happy or whatever. BUT do not try to drag me to the so-called garden of flowers and butterflies. Seriously, you can play the guitar, sing kumbaya and have that head band thing around your head for all i care – just leave me alone.

And I prefer to write in journals or blogs because…I find that it’s easier to talk to ‘walls’ instead of having people talking back because they didn’t go through the things I went through so I really hate it when they try to convince me that I’m actually ‘fine’. No, I’m not fine.

I think I’m also paranoid. I don’t trust people. Before a person gets the chance to come close, I would ‘scan’ him or her ‘in advance’. The last thing I need from anyone is an attachment – I hate it when someone wants to get too attached. I need my own space to breathe. To think. To do whatever I want.

And do you know how hard it is to let go? To stay calm and take things easy? To pretend that everything is fine? To pretend that you’re fine so that people around you would leave you alone? When you have so many things kept to yourself…for a very long time…it’s not easy to let them out and move on. I’ve tried. So the best thing to do is pretend so that people will stop trying to fix me. I just need my own space to breathe. No kumbaya or whatsoever crap. I just need my own space.

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